Funny Sarcastic Insults Through the Ages:
(Some are marked as direct quotes)
You are not even beneath my contempt.
You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified
You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you’re doing your best.
Your mind isn’t so much twisted as badly sprained.
You’re a habit I’d like to kick – with both feet.
I try to stay open minded… but not to open minded or my brain falls out.
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.Ashleigh Brilliant
“It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black. Paul Newman
“It’s a catastrophic success.Stephen Bishop
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here. Stephen Bishop
“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.Abba
“No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. Groucho Marx
“How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them. Groucho Marx
“A man is as young as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx
“A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. Groucho Marx
“Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse! Groucho Marx
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. Groucho Marx
“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.Groucho Marx
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.Groucho Marx
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. Groucho Marx
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” Oscar Wilde
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde
“I am not young enough to know everything. Oscar Wilde
“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.Oscar Wilde
“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. Victor Borge
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
“Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. Mark Twain
“Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it. Mark Twain
“Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.Mark Twain
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.Mark Twain
“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable. Mark Twain
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. Clarrence Darrow
“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? Charles Pierce
“You have delighted us long enough. Jane Austen
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about. Winston Churchill
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” William Faulkner
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? Ernest Hemingway
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. Abraham Lincoln
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator. Irvin S Cobb
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.Forrest Tucker
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. Billy Wilder
“The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch. Dave Barry
“It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them. Caron de Beaumarchais
“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.Ambrose Bierce
“Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. Ambrose Biercs
“Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.Samuel Butler
“I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like? Jean Cocteau
“The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. J Paul Getty
“When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.Eric Hoffer
“A good listener is usually thinking about something else. Kin Hubbard
“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.Oscar Levant
“Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it.Montaigne
“The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.Ogden Nash
“I wish we were better strangers.
“I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. Woody Allen
“As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.Woody Allen
“I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. Ludwig Wittgenstein
“Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions. Frank Lloyd Wright
“We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time. Vince Lombardi
“A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. Gore Vidal
I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before
I’ve come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
Pardon me, but you’re obviously mistaking me for someone who cares.
People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
She’s the first in her family born without tail.
That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
Don’t let your mind wander, it’s far too small to be let out on its own.
Don’t thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
He always finds himself lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory.
I bet you get bullied a lot.
I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.
I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.
I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand me.